I’m a little tired today after not sleeping, I’ve been prescribed sleeping tablets for the first time in order to sleep better, I’m a little anxious due to a new experience with meds (something I generally don’t handle well) but I suppose I’ll leave that for a later post.
Right now Lolita has taken a back seat due to general life getting in the way and lack of funds to splerge on new items. I’ve wore it to a few events this year which I enjoyed but I feel like I don’t get to wear it all that much. I’d class Lolita as one of my special interests so letting go would be a hassle for me, but in all honesty I’m not even close to letting go. So why am I considering it? Well, the answer is fairly simple; I love it. I love the bows, the thrills, the lace, just the whole aesthetic is so visually pleasing to me but! With saying that there’s also a down side to the fashion that has hindered my participation in the fashion for nearly a decade.
Like most eccentric fashions or subcultures the participants within the style are more than likely subjected to harassment just for dressing in a way that defies social norms. During my goth days I was called a variety of insults whilst walking through town, Lolita is no exception to this, I’ve received loads of compliments as well as insults but usually I just hear snickering and underhanded comments under people’s breath which I absolutely detest. Of course I expect this but for someone who has spent the majority of their life ‘masking’ their very being to ‘fit in’ it can still be hard to swallow the fact that the way I choose to dress brings so much attention to myself.
Most days I choose the way I dress with a sort of ‘camouflage’ mentality, where as I’m not to outgoing as to draw attention to myself but not subtle enough to forsake my tastes. If I can get through the day without some stranger making a snide comment at my expenses then I feel like I have achieved something and for this reason Lolita is very impractical.
With this in mind it’s important to note that there is various communities (usually within a major city or district) that are set up for Lolita’s to go do appropriate activities, meet new friends and wear the fashion without the anxiety of doing it alone. Although, I’ve already discussed why I’m unable to participate within my local communities in my introduction post. Since that post not much as changed, I’m still incredibly anxious about going back to a comm and I highly doubt I have the spoons to keep up the facade. This is not to say I’m not itching to be apart of one again but I’m pessimistic that it won’t be same outcome.
There’s also added anxiety when participating in the online communities. I’m not speaking for every Lolita here but there is a significant number of participants who use anonymity websites to ridicule others, in some cases I’ve seen Anon Lolita’s use ableist language when referring to someone online. My main fear is being subjected to this ridicule if I actively participate on the online communities and as the ‘like’ culture grows I think it will inevitably happen (or so my mind thinks). Also when discussing Lolita in none Lolita group (or person) you’ll usually have to defend yourself from the age play label that people so vehemently stick you with, even if you tell them your not they just won’t accept it (I’ve had this happen to me recently in an NB support group, very disappointing).
So, is it worth it? Is it worth it to spend over £100 on a dress that will sit in your closet because you don’t have the courage to wear it? Is it worth it to be invited to an event that looks amazing but you click decline because you can’t bring yourself to go? Is it worth it to reel your personality in because you sense that you’re being to weird? Is it worth it to look at photos and wishing you could of been there but you feel like you don’t belong?
To be honest right now I don’t really know if it is worth it or not, for the time being I’ve designated my frills to conventions because it’s the only place I feel comfortable wearing them, I guess it makes me “less of a Lolita” but for now it’s the only way can enjoy them and feel safe.