Aspie Lolita: is it worth it?

I’m a little tired today after not sleeping, I’ve been prescribed sleeping tablets for the first time in order to sleep better, I’m a little anxious due to a new experience with meds (something I generally don’t handle well) but I suppose I’ll leave that for a later post.

Right now Lolita has taken a back seat due to general life getting in the way and lack of funds to splerge on new items. I’ve wore it to a few events this year which I enjoyed but I feel like I don’t get to wear it all that much. I’d class Lolita as one of my special interests so letting go would be a hassle for me, but in all honesty I’m not even close to letting go. So why am I considering it? Well, the answer is fairly simple; I love it. I love the bows, the thrills, the lace, just the whole aesthetic is so visually pleasing to me but! With saying that there’s also a down side to the fashion that has hindered my participation in the fashion for nearly a decade.

Like most eccentric fashions or subcultures the participants within the style are more than likely subjected to harassment just for dressing in a way that defies social norms. During my goth days I was called a variety of insults whilst walking through town, Lolita is no exception to this, I’ve received loads of compliments as well as insults but usually I just hear snickering and underhanded comments under people’s breath which I absolutely detest. Of course I expect this but for someone who has spent the majority of their life ‘masking’ their very being to ‘fit in’ it can still be hard to swallow the fact that the way I choose to dress brings so much attention to myself. 

Most days I choose the way I dress with a sort of ‘camouflage’ mentality, where as I’m not to outgoing as to draw attention to myself but not subtle enough to forsake my tastes. If I can get through the day without some stranger making a snide comment at my expenses then I feel like I have achieved something and for this reason Lolita is very impractical. 

With this in mind it’s important to note that there is various communities (usually within a major city or district) that are set up for Lolita’s to go do appropriate activities, meet new friends and wear the fashion without the anxiety of doing it alone. Although, I’ve already discussed why I’m unable to participate within my local communities in my introduction post. Since that post not much as changed, I’m still incredibly anxious about going back to a comm and I highly doubt I have the spoons to keep up the facade. This is not to say I’m not itching to be apart of one again but I’m pessimistic that it won’t be same outcome.  

There’s also added anxiety when participating in the online communities. I’m not speaking for every Lolita here but there is a significant number of participants who use anonymity websites to ridicule others, in some cases I’ve seen Anon Lolita’s use ableist language when referring to someone online. My main fear is being subjected to this ridicule if I actively participate on the online communities and as the ‘like’ culture grows I think it will inevitably happen (or so my mind thinks). Also when discussing Lolita in none Lolita group (or person) you’ll usually have to defend yourself from the age play label that people so vehemently stick you with, even if you tell them your not they just won’t accept it (I’ve had this happen to me recently in an NB support group, very disappointing). 

So, is it worth it? Is it worth it to spend over £100 on a dress that will sit in your closet because you don’t have the courage to wear it? Is it worth it to be invited to an event that looks amazing but you click decline because you can’t bring yourself to go? Is it worth it to reel your personality in because you sense that you’re being to weird? Is it worth it to look at photos and wishing you could of been there but you feel like you don’t belong? 

To be honest right now I don’t really know if it is worth it or not, for the time being I’ve designated my frills to conventions because it’s the only place I feel comfortable wearing them, I guess it makes me “less of a Lolita” but for now it’s the only way can enjoy them and feel safe. 

Why I changed my blog name

Quick post before bed even though it’s pretty irrelevant due to my blog not being very popular but in a sense it’s relevant to me because I feel the reason behind it is so significant in terms of how the symbols that we use in regards to autism can impact on how we are viewed in a neurotypical society.

First of all my previous name was pastelpuzzle and has now been changed to pastelrainbowinfinity, the reason I changed it is because of the word ‘puzzle’, any person familiar with autism will know that the ‘puzzle’ symbol is synonymous with a lot of organisations that deal with autism awareness & it has become the most renowned logo to use when associating ones self with autism.

One such organisation is Autism $peaks, this organisation is boycotted by many autistic adults for a variety of reasons. A few of these issues with Autism $peaks goes as followed

• They have no autistic people on their board of members.
• They spend a lot of money on research for a “cure” for autism.
• They see us as a “burden” on family’s.
• They advocate violence against autism (Like murder).

And those are just a few off the top of my head. Regardless of the Autism $peaks usage of this logo there’s also an issue with the puzzle symbol itself. From the very beginning it’s usage has been deeply connected with ableist rhetoric. Coined by the National Autistic Society it was chosen because it conveys our “puzzling condition” and how we don’t “fit in” with society. The fact is; the puzzle is harmful to us because it’s a constant remainder that an allistic society sees us as something to be solved/fixed and put back together, which has opened up to abusive (and sometimes) inhuman practices in order to achieve this (most recent one I’ve heard is bleach enemas). Also, it furthers stereotypes that we are “broken” and other ridiculous notions.

I will admit I was aware of all this before I chose pastelpuzzle and the reason I went ahead with it is because it is the most recognisable symbol associated with autism and I wanted to “take it back” as a way to show my aspie identity. Unfortunately the more I thought about it the less ways I could justify using it. I no longer want “to take it back” because no matter what I do the implications are still there.

I now use the rainbow infinity symbol for neurodiversity which I feel is a much better representation and is more inclusive to all neuro disibilities. Also, on the plus side the rainbow is synonymous with the LGBTQ movement which is a bonus for me. 

You’re not autistic. — bipolarunspecified.com

Special interest: Naruto

TRIGGER WARNING: self harm, suicide.

I want to talk about my special interest which is an anime called Naruto, explain why I love it so much and why I’m “grieving” at the fact it’s coming to an end.

Naruto is a long running anime that focuses on a boy named Naruto; it’s set in a world dominated by ninja and it’s main focus is to follow the main protagonist on his journey to become Hokage (head of the village; the most respected ninja).

In the beginning he’s depicted as an out cast; he has no family, no friends and no one to love him. Furthermore most of the village hate him because he’s a jinchuuriki (tailed beast sealed within him). Despite all of the negatives in his life he remains outgoing, tenacious and never wavering in his desire to be loved & respected.

Throughout the series we watch him achieve these things, he makes friends, gains the respect of the village and becomes a strong shinobi. His mantra of “never give up” resonates within me, to watch him go from nothing to a person adored by everyone he came into contact with gave me an endless sense of joy. He did it all just by being a kind, thoughtful person but most of all he never gave up even when things got hard.

This is why I love his story so much, it gave me the strength to carry on even when I was at my lowest, whenever I felt sad and alone I would just watch Naruto and suddenly I wasn’t alone anymore. I connected with his character on a deeply personal level because for a while I too had no friends, no one to depend on and it felt like everyone hated me for just being me. In sense Naruto was my only friend.

I began watching Naruto when I was 12 years old (10 years ago), at this point I was in a very dark place, I had began self harming at the age of 11 because I felt different from everyone else. When I first attended secondary school I had no friends, I struggled to make any due to autism and eventually developed soul crushing anxiety because of it. Everyone thought I was weird and I was pigeon holed as a “retard”, on top of that my home life was no better. My mother was a junkie and I was left mostly to my own devices (neglected). After a while I confronted my mother and told her I had to see someone because I was having suicidal thoughts as well as becoming to dependent on my imaginary friends.

Yes, I was in a really dark place. My mother was later arrested for dealing class As and I was put into the care of my grandmother. Unfortunately I didn’t get better; at this point I was moved to a special unit for “disturbed teens” (less said about that place the better) but I got to spend weekends at my grans (who had sky) where I could watch anime on Jetix (one of which was Naruto).

I will be honest I wasn’t that keen when I first watched it but the more I invested in the show the more I got out of it. It wasn’t just Naruto’s character I could relate to but other characters such as Gaara, Shikimaru, Hinata & Sasuke.

I mean even the contrast between Naruto’s character and Sasuke’s character has a symbolic meaning to me, either you rise out of the darkness or let it consume you. Eventually after a long struggle I did get better, I never gave up and now I’m sat hear as an adult (22) ready to start my first day of university tomorrow. I will always hold Naruto close to my heart and I think I’ll be rewatching it for years to come. Regardless of whether you liked it or not (or just not that interested) it still holds so much meaning to me because even though it’s just anime and none of the characters are actually real I dread to think of where I would be without it.

How autism has affected me.

I haven’t wrote anything in a while because I was determined this will be the next thing I’d write about, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching trying to figure out how autism has affected me and how other peoples implications with autism has also affected me. I’m on the lower end of the scale which means my disorder is hidden, at first glance I don’t seem to have any disorder at all (let alone autism).

Usually when I tell people I’m on the autism scale I’m usually met with “oh, you don’t look autistic” or “I would have never guessed you’re autistic”. This has become infuriating to me especially in my adult life. How does an autistic person look? Am I supposed to be rocking back and fourth or something? Is this what neurotypical people think autism is? I’ve even been a victim of this way of thinking from a professional, a few months ago I had to have an ambulance crew out because I was suffering from extreme back pain, after they left I was visited by another paramedic who was supposed to bring me pain killers as recommended by the ambulance crew. I told him I was autistic; to paraphrase his words he said “well you don’t seem that way now, you must of grown out of it” luckily for him I was in to much pain to argue but that incident has brought to light how stigmatised autism (especially for adults) is.

It’s left a bad taste in my mouth that my disorder isn’t being taken seriously and in fact I’m convinced people just don’t care. Throughout my life I’ve been subjected to every ridiculous stereotype people have of autism. I was diagnosed at the age of 11, since then I’ve been branded ‘weird’, a ‘retard’, ‘stupid’ and everything in between. Even before my diagnosis I was labelled a ‘bad child’ because I couldn’t cope with mainstream education, often flying into fits of rage or running away when the school day got to much for me. I’ve always found social structural environments such as school or college severely daunting, the construct of having to learn at the same pace as everyone else made it difficult for me to absorb the information being taught to me, I remember having feelings of despair and frustration especially when it came to tests.

Not only was the learning side difficult but also the social side was just as (if not more) difficult. I’ve experienced a lot of bullying throughout my life (not just for my autism but for my appearance & interests as well) that when I attendeded secondary school it became painfully obvious that I was an out-cast and was left to feel rejected by my peers. Making friends was never an easy task and I was often left to ask myself “why do people hate me?”

Growing up autistic was hard, mainstream education has left a very negative impact on me, I’ve suffered from depression, suicidal thoughts and soul crushing anxiety; of course there was other factors in my life that contributed to this but let’s just focus on the subject matter.

So how does autism affect me now at the ripe old age of 22? Well, I have certain characteristics and traits that many people with autism have, such as struggling to socialise and understand certain social rules or cues, I don’t like certain noises such as screeching tires or similar sounds, I have intense fixations on my interests, I practice stimming by nail biting or making noises like the Motorola ring tune, I also go through brief periods where I just want to lay in a dark room by myself and get lost in my own thoughts, this can last for a couple of day’s especially if I’ve been over stimulated by the events of life.

The point is I am angry, and I have a right to be angry! I’m angry that when I search for self help groups the majority is geared towards help for parents & carers, I’m angry that said parents parade their children as some sort “symbol” for their accomplishment for putting up with them, I’m angry that autism has been reduced to slander and I’m angry that neurotypical people think they have a right to “cure” us like we have some sort of desease. Yes, I am angry and others should be to.

I’m sick of feeling like my existence is a burden and I’m sick of being undermined by those who have privilege over me. Neurotypical people do not have the right to “cure” me or force me to be “normal”, and if I tell you I’m autistic then you should acknowledge it because not doing so erases my experiences, my struggles and the very person that I am. 

Lolita fashion in no way contributes to child exploitation.

I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do this but I feel it’s best to do so in order to combat the stigma associated with Lolita fashion. Let me begin by explaining what lolita is. Lolita is a Japanese street style that focuses on an elegant esthetic, taking inspiration from the Victorian & Rococo era. It began in the 80s to combat the ‘sexy’ trend that was popularised by Western influences, even at the very beginning it was far from sexual. The origin of the lolita esthetic was much more simpler than it is today, resembling influences from ‘little house on the prairie’ but as the movement evolved along with the growing trend of ‘cuteness’ in Japan it began to morph itself into what we see today. Small businesses like Angelic Pretty & Baby, the Stars Shine Bright began making their mark amongst Japanese youths with their beautifully constructed garments adorned with gorgeous lace and delicate bows. Along side this Mana Sama; from the popular band Malice Mizer graced the stage in EGL (elegant gothic lolita), a term in which he coined, bringing lolita fashion into the public eye.

No one really knows why it was called ‘lolita’ but seeing as it was first created in the 80s there would have been a definite language barrier between Japan and the West, taking into account that lolita is primarily based on post European fashion, the pioneers probably thought that ‘lolita’ was another word for ‘innocent’ or ‘child-like’ and chose it as a protest against the sexualised fashion trending amongst Japanese youths.

I don’t know how many times a Lolita like myself has to explain that the book ‘lolita’ and fashion are in no way connected. Lolita is not a fetish, it’s not some form of ‘age play’ & it’s not some sick twisted agenda to attract older male’s. It’s just a fashion & (in some cases) a life style choice, it’s a form of self expression; to allow yourself to be your inner princess that you always dreamed of, to stand against social norms and say “I’m wearing a frilly dress, what of it?” & to give homage to a time that is long forgotten in modern fashion; these are the reasons many young women (and men) decide to wear it because quite frankly we are sick of being stripped bare.

That’s not to say we are sweetness and chastity belts, there’s people from all walks of life that enjoy the fashion, there is people who use lolita as ageplay or as a kink but that’s a minority that don’t speak for the rest of us and they are usually chastised if vocal about it (especially age players).

If you look at us and think we are sexual then that is YOUR problem not mine, to say we are contributing or are involved with child exploitation is ignorant and quite frankly damaging to the growing number of people choosing to dress in a cute,  eccentric style. I mean… it’s like saying to a Goth they are satanic because they choose to dress in black and wear pentagrams. It’s silly and at the end of it all you don’t get to tell me what my motives are, simple as that.

Thanks for reading, I hope this has shed some light on the subject.

 

Lolita: Where to Buy for Beginners.

This is something I’ve been promising my non-lolita friends for some time now, I’m aware that the internet is awash with many ‘where to buy’ guides but I feel I owe it to those few friends who like the style but are clueless on where to begin. Many of my non-lolita friends who are interested in getting started are put off by the notion that lolita is expensive (which it can be) or are swayed by dresses found on Aliexpress and don’t have the knowledge to know that said dresses would normally be frowned upon amongst other lolitas (usually because they are replicas or they look cheap & costumey).

So I’m going to put my knowledge to use and compose an easy to follow guide on where to get started, I’ll also point out plus-size friendly sites & where to go on a budget.

Introductions.

Hello! My name is Demi and I’m lolita with autism, I’ve been into lolita for a long time now, but with saying that lolita has been an off/on love of mine since I discovered it at 13. Although, I didn’t start participating in lolita fully till I was 18 (now 22).

The purpose for this blog is to raise awareness of autism by sharing my thoughts & experiences as an autistic person whilst giving me an outlet to share the fashion that I love as I don’t really share it with the people closest to me. I consider myself a ‘lone’ lolita as I haven’t attended a meet up nearly a year & I don’t see myself attending any in the foreseeable future (apart from conventions which I will be attending with my friends). The reason being is that I found myself falling into the same patterns I experienced in school/college whilst being apart of my local community; which ultimately hindered my enjoyment in attending. These patterns are; using an excessive amount of energy to ‘cloak’ my behaviour, the inability to hold down a conversation, struggling to understand social cues, struggling to form bonds with others within the community and the soul crushing need to be liked & accepted.

Eventually all these factors took its tall on me and I decided I would leave the community, I mean… the anxiety I felt before every meet, the innate fear I’d say or do something stupid, offend someone or end up on BTB (behind the bows) was enough for me to say no more. Despite not being apart of the local com I still wear lolita, even if it’s to a meal with the bestie or the cinema, I still very much adore my frills!

I’ve often felt the ‘puzzle’ piece is representative of autistic people being the broken pieces of society but we are not! we are ordinary people with hopes & dreams like anyone else, just because we see things a little differently doesn’t make us “weird” or “stupid”. We deserve the love & acceptance that has been withheld from us for so long. We deserve to be heard but more importantly we deserve to be equal puzzle pieces in society, we don’t need to be ‘figured’ out or put together to make us more acceptable, you just need to accept us for who we are. stop expecting us to ‘fit in’.

Anyway aside from autism and lolita, I hope to give a little insight into my various adventures, share my artwork, my cats, my other interests (i.e anime, music) and maybe have a rant about my opinions and stuff. I am also a plus size lolita so I’ll be blogging about that along with some pro LGBT stuff.

thank you for reading… I hope you enjoy my little slice on the internet.